We’ve passed awa’ the ‘ours o’ leisure
By pennin’ stories fur your pleasure.
Twelve tall tales a’ aboot yon day
The Heilanders cry Hogmanay.

A lassie waitin’ fur her laddie,
Twa’ Icelanders, each wan a haddie.
A senorita goes ower far,
A shock awaits a burglar.

A couple that hae never met,
They hooked up ower yon internet.
The dame’s been smokin’—no a fag,
The macho man jist wants a shag.

Lassies speirin’ fur a snoggin,
A flat that’s absolutely boggin.
A terrorist that’s oot tae maim,
A man ower mean tae quit his hame.

A dame who’ll nae abide the bells,
Her couthy kin first fit themsells.
A heidbanger gangs roon the bend,
Oor tottie wurld’s aboot tae end.

A mon the de’il’s drugs hae swallowed,
A witch’s curse, the storm that followed.
They’ll all parade afore yer e’en
Wi sic’ a dug ye ne’er hae seen.

Freens an neebors unco fou,
They’re a’ performin’ jist fur you.
So be ye tim’rous or hearty
Yer welcome tae oor wondrous pairty.

Hogmanay | Credits