David Kaye

A Visitor’s Hogmanay

Charlie was on his gap year before beginning a course on Primitive Species at Ursa Minor University. He was spending the time bumming his way around the universe, half researching and half having fun.

He selected his criteria for planetary visits carefully.

  1. He would only metamorphose into one of the ruling classes. It was supposed to be a fun trip, after all.
  2. The planet had to have primitive life forms to study, but be relatively safe.
  3. There had to be ample opportunities to sow his wild oats. Back home he was a normal green-blooded hormonally charged adolescent.

Planning his one-day trip to planet Earth, he observed that one class was in total control. They were attended by slaves, who acted as chefs, chauffeurs, tutors and friends. It didn’t take Charlie long to decide to visit as a cocker-spaniel.

He timed his visit to coincide with the last day of the earthlings’ year. Experience of visits to similar galaxies had indicated this as one of the best times to satisfy criterion 3, above.

With three hours left from his allotted twenty-four, Charlie set off from his adopted Duddingston home in search of some action. The slaves were behaving most peculiarly. They were imbibing copious amounts of fluid. A sniff at the liquid, processed through his super-brain, revealed that the contents were mildly toxic. He tried to alert them to the danger, but they didn’t appear capable of understanding the most basic sign language, and reacted to his mimed warnings by tickling his tummy before throwing up.

Weaving his way through the throng in St Andrew Square, he hurried past the acrid smell of loneliness from the vicinity of Harvey Nichols. As he passed through Princes Street Gardens, a female slave, her skin darker than the others, stroked him in what seemed a particularly suggestive manner. Her whispered que guapo sounded like a term of endearment. Always open to new experiences, Charlie began making love to her left leg, and got a smack in the mouth for his troubles. Tail between his legs, he wandered off with what little dignity he could muster.

Time was getting on as he roamed the streets, drinking in the atmosphere. The slaves seemed to be hitting the fluids with great gusto, but the chicks were in short supply.

Then, halfway across Princes Street, he saw her. Short hair, four shapely legs, trim figure, deep brown eyes and the cutest fringe you ever saw. Charlie shot over and introduced himself. A quick sniff at her perfectly formed ass augured well and soon love was in the air. Charlie prided himself on being a gentleman, and so far as he knew there were no little Charlies anywhere in the universe. He raised the subject of taking precautions but his new girlfriend just laughed. When she explained that she was hoping to start a family with a guy just like him, he needed no further invitation.

A few moments later Charlie experienced a phenomenon he had often heard about but frankly didn’t believe existed. Bells rang, a cannon roared, the night sky exploded with shooting stars, slaves cheered and the whole planet began making love.

This Earth place is seriously cool, he thought. I’m coming again next year, same time, same place.